The Family

I never wanted it that way you know. That every time we were nice to each other it felt like a lie.  Something we should do because that's what family does. They like each other. They're nice to each other. They do good things for each other. Not us. We put on a front, make it seem like we're like all the other families. But not us. We are able to pull it together during times of crises, but aside from that, we could rip each other's throats out, turn, and walk away like nothing out of the ordinary had ever occurred. Is it wrong to feel so much distaste for ones' own bloodline? It's a lie, carried out every day, as we play nice.

What started such cruelty such a frosty reception? I can't be sure. I always remember it being this way. Even as young children…when perhaps this could have been rectified, my parents lived in a lie themselves. That everything was fine, as their children were always at each other's throats, the love dissipated, and their marriage crumbled. Was this family doomed from the start? I believe so.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just the one who feels so much despair at the thought that I can't stand my own family. Was my reality so much different? How could you have made me feel like I was insane…delusional? Like I didn't know what was going on right in front of me. I'm at a loss here; how can one have so much power over you that they make you question your sanity? Reflect on your life and think, even for the briefest of moments, "Good God, it was all in my head, it's never been this way, I am crazy."

 It's ok, I'll let you make me your scapegoat. Your black sheep. The one you can point to and cry, look, this is what is wrong in our lives. This is why we do the things we do. It isn't our faults! We are good people! We love! We care! Normal! We are NORMAL!

I grow tired of pretending. I don't want to be the good, caring sibling. I don't want the responsibility of keeping up this facade to fall squarely on my shoulders. Is the other not older, wiser, more mature? Well, they aren't, but aren't they supposed to be? I no longer wish to hear that "You have to keep trying, because that's what family does; that's who you are, it's in your nature." Can we just kill this thing, cut off the rotten limb before Gangrene sets in?

Of course not, we must uphold the lie. You can't sever the ties with your own family. What would people say? They would say, "Oh it's not your fault, Family, it's her, it's always been her, she was always such a naughty child." And I will be silent. I will let them lie about me. I will uphold my end of the bargain I made, by never walking away in the first place.

I will bide my time here, like a convicted felon only a year or two away from freedom. I will hold back words, fight back tears, and swallow my emotion. I will uphold the lie when in public, and spin out of control on my own.