Telling you exactly what I thought about you was undeniably liberating. I think you are a classless, alcoholic sleazy individual and it's honestly no real wonder you have no friends left. I honestly can't think of a time that I had a good feeling about you talking to my boyfriend. First you're talking about your ass, i call you on it, he talks to you, you say you meant nothing. then you go on and on about how we should be friends and you don't want to upset me and blah blah blah...so i add you on facebook and you stop talking to him for two weeks. Then you're texting him more than i am in a day, telling him all about how you want to be or are in the process of or are past the point of getting drunk. it's disgusting. then whining about how you haven't gone this long without "fucking someone" since you lost your v card. you scream desperation and spew disgrace all at once in some horrible display. then you proceed to ask him about when he looks at "boobies." After your son goes to bed? really? you think that my boyfriend would look at porn and masturbate with his son sleeping a few feet away? You're more disgusting than i thought. And by the way, his masturbation habits are none of your fucking concern. You have no business asking that, and no business texting him the shit you do. you probably thought he was flirting. well, your bad, he was not. in fact while you were busy whining about how you're unwillingly celibate, he responds with, i don't know what to tell you. clearly not displaying interest in you. why he responded at all is beyond me. i guess he likes the attention i don't fucking know. apparently not enough to flirt with you though.  see if that were me, i would have told you to stop talking to me right then and there, but he's too nice for that, because you're a lost little puppy with no friends and he feels sorry for you. that's right, sorry. he's not attracted to you, he never flirted with you, and he does not find you interesting. you like to pop pills and get wasted every night, have no job, no car, etc. etc. he has a nearly five year old son. what in your head made you think that he would even consider being with someone like you and put his son in that situation?

it's ok though, because i happily told you exactly what i thought of you. i enjoyed every minute of it. i hope you took the hint and don't text him tomorrow, but even if you do, he won't respond. have a nice life. i hope that one day you are able to wash the stench of desperation and shame away.

Spinning

The things I wanted to say:
How can we both have our needs met?
I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time trusting you because of what happened.
You're hurting my feelings
I feel inadequate when you text other women frequently
I feel like I am not enough for you

What came out:
I don't want you to talk to her any more
You always....
You never....
You need to...
I won't have this conversation again. If we do I'm done.
Crying.
Yelling.
More Crying.


My emotions make me incoherent, but I can't remember what I wanted and needed to say long enough to cool off. Someone help me, I'm simply spinning out of control, and pushing the one person that I need the most away.

safety

It's upsetting that my little piece of sanity,
my little island of safety on the rough seas
has all but abandoned me.
faded into the background
dipped below the tides.
with no respite,
no star in the night to guide me
through the rest of my darkened life
what am i to do now?

Disappointment

Disappointment is when you realize your family wants to spend just as little time with you as you do with them.

The cup runeth over.

"You're so the-glass-is-half-empty." Oh god. Really? How could this have happened? Is that what I'm known as; the-glass-is-half-empty girl? I thought I was just being realistic. Down to earth. Is it too much? Excuse me. I had no idea. It's hard to be perky and optimistic; the-glass-is-always-nearly-fucking-overflowing girl when you're lonely and downtrodden. It's too perfect to last. It could end at any second. You could find another reason why, and just leave. And then what? I pick up the pieces, empty that glass just a little bit more, and continue on with my life, attempting to leave this part of the beverage to boil and evaporate in the heat.

The Flavor of Gems

 

Empty words flow carelessly

From lips come unhinged

Like the door to a rusted out cage

I purse my own;

Savor my words like gems

I will swallow them and

Become something other than myself

I will save face;

My face

Twisted in disbelief

As the words continue falling

Raindrops spilling from

Clouds too pregnant to carry on

Thunder;

The charge is set

Lightening;

The match is lit

Do you hear the thoughts in your head

As you force them out of your mouth?

Do you take a second

To note what is about to pour out?

If only there were time,

Between the thought and the word

Between the word and the feeling

That you have thrust upon me

Could I then sit

For a while

And just take a second

Could there just be a pause

So that I may digest your words

Turn them into gems

And swallow them down

Where I will become something

Other than myself

Could I then just melt those words down

Sort out the truth in the garbled sounds

Vowels and consonants

Twisted symbols that hang in the air

Afraid to be seen

You force my eyes upon them

They quiver in shame

Perhaps they know a secret you don't

Or perhaps you cast your regret

Even as you open your mouth

And only those garbled sounds know it

I can never decipher.

The Family

I never wanted it that way you know. That every time we were nice to each other it felt like a lie.  Something we should do because that's what family does. They like each other. They're nice to each other. They do good things for each other. Not us. We put on a front, make it seem like we're like all the other families. But not us. We are able to pull it together during times of crises, but aside from that, we could rip each other's throats out, turn, and walk away like nothing out of the ordinary had ever occurred. Is it wrong to feel so much distaste for ones' own bloodline? It's a lie, carried out every day, as we play nice.

What started such cruelty such a frosty reception? I can't be sure. I always remember it being this way. Even as young children…when perhaps this could have been rectified, my parents lived in a lie themselves. That everything was fine, as their children were always at each other's throats, the love dissipated, and their marriage crumbled. Was this family doomed from the start? I believe so.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just the one who feels so much despair at the thought that I can't stand my own family. Was my reality so much different? How could you have made me feel like I was insane…delusional? Like I didn't know what was going on right in front of me. I'm at a loss here; how can one have so much power over you that they make you question your sanity? Reflect on your life and think, even for the briefest of moments, "Good God, it was all in my head, it's never been this way, I am crazy."

 It's ok, I'll let you make me your scapegoat. Your black sheep. The one you can point to and cry, look, this is what is wrong in our lives. This is why we do the things we do. It isn't our faults! We are good people! We love! We care! Normal! We are NORMAL!

I grow tired of pretending. I don't want to be the good, caring sibling. I don't want the responsibility of keeping up this facade to fall squarely on my shoulders. Is the other not older, wiser, more mature? Well, they aren't, but aren't they supposed to be? I no longer wish to hear that "You have to keep trying, because that's what family does; that's who you are, it's in your nature." Can we just kill this thing, cut off the rotten limb before Gangrene sets in?

Of course not, we must uphold the lie. You can't sever the ties with your own family. What would people say? They would say, "Oh it's not your fault, Family, it's her, it's always been her, she was always such a naughty child." And I will be silent. I will let them lie about me. I will uphold my end of the bargain I made, by never walking away in the first place.

I will bide my time here, like a convicted felon only a year or two away from freedom. I will hold back words, fight back tears, and swallow my emotion. I will uphold the lie when in public, and spin out of control on my own.